How often do you think about your skill as a lover? Thinking about it too much can paralyze you. And thinking about it too little can result in frustration for your partner. Finding that sweet spot can mean the difference between just an “okay” sex life and a great one. It also means being open to opportunities to learn and grow.
One thing I see in long-term relationships is a willingness to settle for the same old, same old. After all, you’ve got a readily available partner. You both know what you’re going to get. It may not be fireworks but it’s serviceable.
Now if that description leaves you cold, good. It should. It’s lazy thinking and behavior.
It’s also a mindset that permeates way too many marriages about way too many things. And all of them will eventually show up in your bedroom.
So, if it’s been a while since you’ve upped your love-making game, you might want to consider if you’re making any of these common mistakes.
1. Relying too much on technique. Technical skills are great, but they may be insufficient if you can’t get your partner into the bedroom in the first place. Foreplay isn’t just about when and how you touch your partner to get her aroused. It’s about how connected she feels to you overall.
Her desire to be physically intimate with you is a function of how safe, loved, and supported she feels in the relationship as a whole. If you aren’t spending quality time with her on a regular basis, a last-minute invitation for a romp in the hay will often fall flat. Making the effort to consistently “woo” her, on the other hand, is more likely to bring the success you desire.
2. Not relying enough on technique. Okay, some technique is useful. Does she think you’re a good kisser? Do you know what turns her on? Turns her off?
No, there is no singular way of touching her or new position that is going to magically send her to the moon every time. Doing the same thing in the same way just creates routine and routine, by definition, is not exciting.
But building a repertoire of approaches is what leads to success. After all, a toolbox with only a hammer in it is limiting. So, keep learning and experimenting. Talk to her about what feels good. Take what you know works and play with it. Nothing is static and your sex life shouldn’t be either.
3. Not staying attractive to your partner. There’s truth to the adage that familiarity breeds contempt. Many people in long-term relationships stop making an effort to look good to their partners. And this is a problem. Whether it’s your weight or your breath, it matters.
Yes, you may be able to let your hair down with your lover, but don’t forget to wash it.
Cleanliness isn’t just next to godliness, it’s good for sex too. Especially for women who often have a stronger sense of smell. (So don’t go too far in the other direction either and overload yourself with cologne.)
Your partner will find you attractive when you take the time to bring your best self to the bedroom—physically and emotionally.
And, when you are confident about your moves? Well, that’s the ultimate turn on.
If you’re ready to up your skills in all aspects of your relationship, let’s talk.
