“You will always define events in a manner which will validate your agreement with reality” Steve Maraboli
Yesterday I was reminded again that the biggest challenge in relationships is acknowledging that the two individuals are now, always have been, and always will be two different people.
You don’t experience the same event in the same way as anyone else. And no one else experiences that same event the way you do.
That doesn’t mean there is no overlap. This can be a good thing or seen as a problem.
The more overlap in your experience of the same event, the greater the chance you will see that person as being like you. They become part of your “team”.
The less overlap, the more likely you will see that person as part of the “other”.
And therein lies the foundation for much of your, and the world’s, challenges.
You use your view of things as the template. If it works for you, then it’s the “right” way. Which means anyone else’s view is “wrong”. And you interact with other people from that viewpoint.
When your viewpoint is challenged, the natural response is to defend it. Sometimes to the death.
In truth, your viewpoint is just a story you’ve adopted to make sense of the facts the world is presenting.
Right now, the temperature reading on my computer shows its 63ﹾ outside. That is a provable fact. Whether that is warm or cold is an opinion—or a story you’ve created based on past experience.
You aren’t “right” to believe it’s cold. They aren’t “wrong” to believe it’s not. If you think it’s cold, put a sweater on. Don’t pressure them to wear one.
People do not argue over facts. Facts simply are.
It’s the feelings those facts elicit that create the friction between you and others.
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And the more friction there is, the more likely you are to create a negative story about the other person.
They are too sensitive. They just don’t understand the situation. They are manipulative. They are undeserving of respect. And on, and on, and on.
You are telling yourself stories about your wife. She is telling stories to herself about you. And these stories drive each of your actions. If those actions are more harmful than helpful, your relationship will suffer.
Instead of challenging the validity of her stories, I invite you to investigate the validity of yours.
What facts are they based on? What facts are being ignored? What would it mean if you allowed for other interpretations? What would you need to know? To be willing to do differently?
Perception isn’t reality. Reality is reality. Perception is how you try to make that reality comfortable.
And, in the immortal words of Dr. Phil, how’s that working for you?
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and let me know what perceptions are creating challenges in your marriage.
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You’ve asked your partner to do something different. Or, maybe, your partner has asked you to. The two of you might even agree that the change will help your relationship. You also agree to make the change and then, …. you find yourself doing the same old thing. No matter how inclined you are to make the change, sticking with it seems impossible. The good news is you’re perfectly normal. Change even desired, agreed to change, is hard for most people. But you don’t have to settle for a less-than marriage or being just an okay spouse. Rick Fortier, author and teacher of truths, explains why change is so difficult and reveals how you can finally make real and lasting change in your life.
