Several years ago, I was hiking with my mother when she said, “I don’t believe women should have to ask for what they want?” Luckily, I was behind her so she couldn’t see my jaw drop. You see, I’m not a subscriber to the mind-reading school of marriage.
Love doesn’t automatically give you or your spouse magical superpowers. And expecting them to do so is going to leave both of you frustrated and disappointed.
In a healthy relationship, the partners share their wants, needs and desires. Openly and clearly. They do not make each other play guessing games.
There is often another insidious aspect of this approach to marriage. When your partner does “guess” what you want, and gets it wrong, they end up in the doghouse.
The simple solution is to do the opposite of my mother’s approach. Tell your partner what you want.
Many people think that, well, “My partner is only doing what I want because I asked”. Maybe you view it that way as well.
But your partner can always choose not to honor your request. But they are showing their love by doing what should make you happy.
So, this type of response leaves your partner in a “damned if they do, damned if they don’t” position. Which does not endear you to them and the next time they might feel it’s not worth making the effort at all.
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Yes, when you ask, you face the possibility of not having your desire fulfilled. It also leaves you vulnerable to giving your partner information about you and to disappointment of not getting what you want.
If your partner uses this information against you, that is a problem that needs to be addressed. But most of the time this isn’t what happens. And in relationships, as in life, there will be disappointment. That doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you.
Avoiding asking for what you want doesn’t eliminate disappointment either. But it does make it more likely to happen. Because your partner can’t give you what he doesn’t know you want. Instead, he will do what he wants because that’s all the information he has. So, you’re doubly disappointed.
And he is left confused and on the hook for something he didn’t even know about.
As a result, you’re not happy. He’s not happy. And your marriage suffers.
If you struggle to identify or ask for what you want, you’re not alone. But offloading this to your spouse is a non-starter. A better choice is to find a way to figure it out. You, your spouse, and your relationship will all be better when you do.
If you would like some help with that, schedule your 5-Star Relationship Discovery Call today.
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