As a marriage coach I’m often asked about what makes for a happy, successful marriage. It’s fairly easy to identify how many marriages end in divorce. It has consistently remained around 40% for first marriages, 60% for second marriages, and over 70% for third marriages. Unfortunately, it’s more difficult to know how many people who remain married do so happily.
Psychologist Ty Tashiro has said, “Of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages.”
So there seems to be a substantial number of people who stay married, but are settling in some way.
These kinds of statistics make me really sad. Mostly because much of this pain is unnecessary.
The truth is, no one has to take a Relationship 101 class, and everyone should. Because if they did, they would be better prepared for marriage. AND it would be a lot less work.
Instead of picking up relationship information from celebrities, influencers, or through personal heartbreak, you would know what researchers have learned works.
In addition, what goes on in many marriages remains hidden. Sometimes even from the other spouse.
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Bad Marriage Advice #2: Don’t Go to Bed Angry
On the surface this seems like a good idea. I mean, who can fall asleep when they are spun out about something. And, if you’re upset with your partner, lying next to them and trying to relax just throws gasoline on the fire already burning inside. It’s how this advice...
Bad Marriage Advice #1: Beware Who is Giving the Advice
Okay, so technically this isn’t specifically bad marriage advice. But if your source is not reliable, then the advice should be taken with a grain (or pile) of salt. Here is some advice that showed up in my In-box last week: "The next time you find yourself in the...
Why Your Wife Fantasizes About Being Ravished—And What It Means for You
It's a common fantasy for women... Is your wife one of the 62% of women who want to be ravished? Studies have shown that this desire to be lovingly, yet forcefully taken by her man is one of the top five sexual fantasies women have. And it’s one that can get...
The support that is promised on your wedding day is often hard to find. That’s because the people you turn to for help—your friends and family—don’t really know what works either. And the professionals who really can help are often contacted too late. And, in many cases, not at all.
I’m not sure there is any other area of our lives that is so hidden. And it really shouldn’t be.
Every marriage shares similar challenges. Combining two lives, two experiences, two everything requires compassion and the ability to negotiate. It’s not about one of you absorbing the other. It’s about walking the path together, side by side. This is what helps you make it when the path gets rocky.
The two of you are now, always have been, and always will be two different people. Embracing those differences, not fighting them, is how you make it through. And sometimes, you need help.
Unfortunately, some of the messages you hear are not really helpful. So, over the next few weeks, I’m going to be tackling what I consider to be bad marriage advice.
Advice like:
- Never go to bed angry
- Marriage takes work
- Marriage takes sacrifice
- Marriage takes compromise
- Love is all you need
- It’s not whether you fight, but how
And more.
So I invite you to stick with me and learn how you can be one of the 30% who truly have a happy marriage.
If you would like personal help, I invite you to have a conversation with me. Let’s talk
Around the Web This Week
Humility is a Virtue in Your Marriage
Being humble isn’t about being falsely modest. It’s an acknowledgment that there are some things you just don’t know. This is especially true when it comes to your spouse and your marriage. Starting from a place of humility about both will help when there are misunderstandings and miscommunication. Gavin Seah, author of True Humility, defines what humility is and how you can learn to embrace it.
You’re Settling for a Less than Marriage and It’s NOT Your Fault
40% of first marriages fail. 67% of second marriages do. And more than 70% of third marriages end in divorce. This doesn’t even address those who stay together but aren’t really happy. So what can you do?
