“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little.” Thomas Merton
She said, “My husband asked me last week if I still wanted to be married to him. My slightly too long pause gave us both the answer.”
I overheard this conversation while waiting for my coffee order the other day.
I wish I could say I was surprised. Especially as she went on to share with her friend that they no longer talked, had fun together, or interacted in any meaningful way and hadn’t for years.
YEARS!!!!!!!!!
Once again, I wondered why someone settles for a less than acceptable marriage.
I know some of the commonly stated reasons: we have kids; it would hurt financially to end it; he/she doesn’t hit me; it would feel like failure.
But I’m also reminded of a scene from the 2009 movie World’s Greatest Dad when Lance, played by Robin Williams states, “I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”
Your marriage is not supposed to leave you feeling like that. But for a lot of people, maybe even you, it does.
And it probably didn’t start out that way.
(Though there was a survey done for the book How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy published in 2010 that found 30% of women knew they were marrying the wrong person but went through with it anyway. That’s a post for another day.)
Bad Marriage Advice #25: Forgive and Forget
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The changes most likely happened gradually. But they weren’t inevitable. And they don’t have to be permanent.
But in order to be corrected, they first must be identified and then addressed.
And this is where most couples drop the ball.
One partner brings up something that is problematic for them, but the other spouse doesn’t see it as a concern.
But if the marriage isn’t working for one spouse, IT ISN’T WORKING.
Or there may be a few attempts to correct things but they are half-hearted, or unclear, or inconsistent and things slide back, so why even bother.
Why bother? Because your marriage is important. And settling for less than it can be is sad.
And it’s something that can be changed. Earlier is better and easier than later. But later is better than not at all.
So instead of settling and then realizing you don’t want to be in a marriage like this, what would motivate you to create one you do want to be part of?
Let me know what’s getting in your way of having the marriage you desire and deserve.
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Defensiveness is a normal reaction to being attacked. But when your spouse brings up a complaint or shares their hurt feelings, your life is probably not in immediate danger. But how you respond may be a real threat to your marriage. Defensiveness is a form of self-protection that can create distance and despair in your relationship. Relationship Expert and speaker Lisa Merlo-Booth identifies ways defensiveness shows up and reveals how you can handle it when it does.
