A fight is defined as a violent confrontation or struggle. There is nothing loving or supportive in that definition. In fact, it’s an invitation to inflict damage on the other party.
Now you probably don’t “fight” with your wife in a violent way. What you probably do is argue with her. So, let’s go there.
To argue is defined as exchanging or expressing diverging or opposite views, typically in a heated or angry way.
Again, not a positive, pleasant activity unless you like being heated or angry. Or like having someone be heated or angry with you.
If you and your wife argue, it most likely takes one of two forms. First, you both give yourselves permission to let your emotions take over and you go at it with equal gusto (and harm). Or, one of you freely vents while the other one shuts down. The result is often hurt feelings and harm to your relationship.
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You and your wife are destined to disagree about something at some time. And if you think disagreements are the same as conflict, you will be even less prepared to follow these rules.
Managing your emotions is essential if you are going to disagree and follow the fair fighting rules. You have to know what to do both when you’re upset and when your partner is. You have to be able to not bite when she says something critical or hurtful.
The two of you know exactly what to say and do to set the other one off. This is what usually happens when disagreements escalate to arguments or fights. You start off having a civil conversation and then one of you gets triggered and you’re off to the races.
Unless you know what to do AND have practiced it repeatedly, your old habits will take over so, instead of “fighting fair”, you’ll just be fighting.
Because you’ve been told by the experts that not only is fighting okay, it’s expected, you’ll be left wondering why you feel so bad, how you’re supposed to repair this most recent rift, and how to keep it from happening again.
One way is to stop following bad marriage advice like fighting is okay as long as you fight fair.
If you want to know how to resolve disagreements without fighting, I invite you to have a conversation with me about what actually works.
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Many marriages suffer due to the inability of spouses to balance their own needs as individuals with the needs of being part of a couple. But is it really a question of remaining independent versus becoming dependent? Can you be married and still hold on to who you are? What would that look like? Dr. Darlene Lancer, marriage and family therapist and the author of Codependency for Dummies, reveals why maintaining who you are and allowing yourself to become part of something bigger is the healthiest path to a successful relationship.
Bad Marriage Advice #3: The Problem with Fighting Fair
You’re told that all couples fight and the best thing to do is to learn to fight “fair”. I call BS on that. Disagreement is a given but fighting is a choice and it’s hard to put a positive spin on the word “fight”.
