You’ve heard it—marriage requires compromise. You know the drill. You give up something, she gives up something and you meet somewhere in the middle. Sounds good in theory doesn’t it. But in practice, not so much.
Yes, you need to reach decisions about things. Though not as many as you think. According to marriage research expert John Gottman, only about one-third of your disagreements will ever get resolved or even need to be. Whether the remaining two-thirds do is up to the two of you.
This happens because you start from only two positions—yours and hers. You then look for some acceptable middle ground. You begin with the focus on the answer instead of the question.
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I’m a sixth-generation Californian. My husband’s family has been in North Carolina almost as long. If we were looking for middle ground, we would be living in Kansas. Instead, we talked about where the best place for us would be to settle. Since we wanted a house and children, North Carolina was the better option. I didn’t “give up” living in California. He didn’t get “his way”. Instead, we chose to live in North Carolina.
Another problem with the whole “compromise” thing, is that it sets the stage for scorekeeping. When you frequently engage in this back and forth over so many things and you “compromise” and settle, it sets the stage for keeping track of everything you are giving up.
You start focusing on what you aren’t getting in these deals and that leads to ideas of fairness, or more to the point, lack of it. It then becomes a downward spiral of negativity and resistance to working together on other things.
This negativity, scorekeeping and “giving up” leads to resentment—the primary killer of love in my opinion. And this is where following the advice to “compromise” will end up.
So what should you do instead of compromising? Learn to negotiate.
Identify what the issue is and then think about all the ways it can be resolved. Not just your preferred one or your wife’s. Weigh the pros and cons of each and choose one that you both can support and implement.
You each “give up” nothing. By deciding on the best option, you are simply not picking any of the others. You’re happy, your wife is happy, and your marriage is good. A win-win-win. And it doesn’t get any better than that.
If you want to learn more about how to resolve ongoing issues once and for all, download your free guide now.
source: The Hero Husband Project
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