One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” –Howard W. Hunter

My client Mark called me in a panic last week. His wife of fifteen years just filed for divorce. Like many men, he was completely blindsided. (This should never happen but that’s a conversation for another day.)

He acknowledged that things weren’t great, but he didn’t think it was that bad. He knew he was both a good father and a good provider. In his mind, that should be good enough.

It. Is. Not.

Being a good father is important. It’s just not the same as being a good husband. It’s just easier.

You have some built in advantages to being a parent. You’ve been in your child’s life since the beginning. And you have authority over them. Neither of those things are true about your wife.

In addition, in your child’s eyes, you can do anything. For the first several years of their life, you are their hero.

In the beginning of your marriage, your wife may have seen you through rose-colored glasses as well. But that happy period lasts for a much shorter time than your child’s hero worship will.

If you are a good father, you have all the skills necessary to be a good husband. You’re just choosing not to use them.

Getting Real About Your Marriage

Getting Real About Your Marriage

“…maybe sometimes it’s riskier not to take a risk. Sometimes all you’re guaranteeing is that things will stay the same.” Danny Wallace   Are you 100% satisfied with your marriage? If so, good for you. But if you’re like many people, there are probably one or two...

What is Your Marriage ROI?

What is Your Marriage ROI?

"When you say ROI, do you mean return on investment or risk of inaction?" Paul Gillin   Many people think about ROI (Return on Investment) only as it applies to their financial investments. But isn’t your marriage one of the biggest investments you will ever make? I...

Does Kindness Live in Your Marriage?

Does Kindness Live in Your Marriage?

"Kindness and politeness are not overrated at all. They’re underused.” – Tommy Lee Jones   I was reading an article the other day about a Science of Happiness course taught at the University of Bristol. The professors identified 80 or so psychological interventions...

Sometimes this is a case of lack of attention. Your child starts out being completely dependent on you. They require you to attend to them and the habit sticks, even once they are able to manage themselves. (And our child-centric society certainly encourages this focus.)

Sometimes it’s because you don’t feel your wife deserves your best behavior. She doesn’t always treat you well so why should you treat her well? 

Whatever the reason, you’re at risk of permanently damaging your marriage.

Your child can also be difficult at times, but you give them grace. You try to figure out what their difficulty is and work to address it. You show interest in the things that matter to them and include them in things you enjoy. Even if you get rebuffed, you keep trying.

Their happiness and their connection to you is very important.

Often more important than your wife’s. And that will be problematic in the long run.

If seeing your children every day matters to you, you need to pay regular attention to your wife and marriage. If you know things “aren’t great”, you take action to improve them. Better yet, you don’t let them get that way in the first place. 

By choosing to apply your parenting skills to your marriage, you can avoid Mark’s fate.

You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you.

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Good Guys, Great Husbands