“One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” –Howard W. Hunter
My client Mark called me in a panic last week. His wife of fifteen years just filed for divorce. Like many men, he was completely blindsided. (This should never happen but that’s a conversation for another day.)
He acknowledged that things weren’t great, but he didn’t think it was that bad. He knew he was both a good father and a good provider. In his mind, that should be good enough.
It. Is. Not.
Being a good father is important. It’s just not the same as being a good husband. It’s just easier.
You have some built in advantages to being a parent. You’ve been in your child’s life since the beginning. And you have authority over them. Neither of those things are true about your wife.
In addition, in your child’s eyes, you can do anything. For the first several years of their life, you are their hero.
In the beginning of your marriage, your wife may have seen you through rose-colored glasses as well. But that happy period lasts for a much shorter time than your child’s hero worship will.
If you are a good father, you have all the skills necessary to be a good husband. You’re just choosing not to use them.
Dealing Productively with Conflict Leads to Better Sex—Who Knew?
Movies and television shows frequently show couples in the heat of battle suddenly ripping each other’s clothes off and having mind-blowing make up sex. But I have a question—when was the last time that happened in your marriage? Yelling, name calling, and having your...
The #1 Reason You Can’t Set Boundaries with Your Wife
To paraphrase Robert Frost, good boundaries make good marriages. But in order to establish good boundaries, you have to be prepared for them not to be popular. At least at first. I can’t tell you the number of times I have heard a parent say to their misbehaving...
Why Doesn’t My Wife Respect Me?
You want your wife to be happy. You really, really do. And therein lies the difficulty. Her happiness is out of your control. Yes, you can do things that add or detract from her happiness, but the choice to be happy or angry or loving or frustrated is hers alone. You...
Sometimes this is a case of lack of attention. Your child starts out being completely dependent on you. They require you to attend to them and the habit sticks, even once they are able to manage themselves. (And our child-centric society certainly encourages this focus.)
Sometimes it’s because you don’t feel your wife deserves your best behavior. She doesn’t always treat you well so why should you treat her well?
Whatever the reason, you’re at risk of permanently damaging your marriage.
Your child can also be difficult at times, but you give them grace. You try to figure out what their difficulty is and work to address it. You show interest in the things that matter to them and include them in things you enjoy. Even if you get rebuffed, you keep trying.
Their happiness and their connection to you is very important.
Often more important than your wife’s. And that will be problematic in the long run.
If seeing your children every day matters to you, you need to pay regular attention to your wife and marriage. If you know things “aren’t great”, you take action to improve them. Better yet, you don’t let them get that way in the first place.
By choosing to apply your parenting skills to your marriage, you can avoid Mark’s fate.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you.
