“One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” –Howard W. Hunter
My client Mark called me in a panic last week. His wife of fifteen years just filed for divorce. Like many men, he was completely blindsided. (This should never happen but that’s a conversation for another day.)
He acknowledged that things weren’t great, but he didn’t think it was that bad. He knew he was both a good father and a good provider. In his mind, that should be good enough.
It. Is. Not.
Being a good father is important. It’s just not the same as being a good husband. It’s just easier.
You have some built in advantages to being a parent. You’ve been in your child’s life since the beginning. And you have authority over them. Neither of those things are true about your wife.
In addition, in your child’s eyes, you can do anything. For the first several years of their life, you are their hero.
In the beginning of your marriage, your wife may have seen you through rose-colored glasses as well. But that happy period lasts for a much shorter time than your child’s hero worship will.
If you are a good father, you have all the skills necessary to be a good husband. You’re just choosing not to use them.
How Your Wife is Wired for Intimacy
"Real connection and intimacy is like a meal, not a sugar fix." Kristin Armstrong It’s fairly common for you to act like everyone else experiences the world the same way you do. After all, you’d never get anything done if you were distracted by all the ways someone...
Are You Reaping What You Sow in Your Intimacy?
"You’re frustrated because you keep waiting for the blooming of flowers of which you have yet to sow the seeds.” Steve Maraboli True intimacy (and even good sex) is not spontaneous. It makes me think of farmers. They don’t just go out and harvest their crops. They...
You Say You Love Her But….
"We tell people what’s important by how we spend our time. Laura Vanderkam As we head into the holiday season, I have a question. How much time are you setting aside for your marriage? I was talking to a client the other day and he was explaining how he and his wife...
Sometimes this is a case of lack of attention. Your child starts out being completely dependent on you. They require you to attend to them and the habit sticks, even once they are able to manage themselves. (And our child-centric society certainly encourages this focus.)
Sometimes it’s because you don’t feel your wife deserves your best behavior. She doesn’t always treat you well so why should you treat her well?
Whatever the reason, you’re at risk of permanently damaging your marriage.
Your child can also be difficult at times, but you give them grace. You try to figure out what their difficulty is and work to address it. You show interest in the things that matter to them and include them in things you enjoy. Even if you get rebuffed, you keep trying.
Their happiness and their connection to you is very important.
Often more important than your wife’s. And that will be problematic in the long run.
If seeing your children every day matters to you, you need to pay regular attention to your wife and marriage. If you know things “aren’t great”, you take action to improve them. Better yet, you don’t let them get that way in the first place.
By choosing to apply your parenting skills to your marriage, you can avoid Mark’s fate.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you.
