“In this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes.” Benjamin Franklin
With apologies to Benjamin Franklin, there are only two things that are certain—you’re pregnant or you’re not; you’re dead or you’re not. (Unless you’re a fan of The Princess Bride and then you can be mostly dead.) Everything else is a shade of gray. Which means most of what goes on in your marriage.
The truth is people don’t like uncertainty. Putting things into simple boxes eliminates that uncertainty. And black and white thinking allows you to do that.
But in the attempt to make life simpler, easier to understand, you actually complicate things.
Black and white thinking leads to more conflict, not less. This is because it only gives you two choices: right and wrong, this or that, your way or the highway.
Life and relationships are more complicated than that.
Bad Marriage Advice #4: If You’re Not Fighting One of You is Hiding Something
Disagreement in a marriage is a given, but fighting is a choice. I will stand behind these words until I can’t speak any longer. So I have a real problem with those in my profession who believe that if you and your wife aren’t fighting then one of you isn’t being...
Bad Marriage Advice #3: It’s Okay to Fight But You Need to Learn to Fight “Fair”
What comes up for you when you hear the word “fight”? Anything positive? This is what my issue is with the marriage advice to couples that it’s okay to fight as long as you do it fairly. To me this is as useful as putting lipstick on a pig. It’s trying to dress up...
Bad Marriage Advice #2: Don’t Go to Bed Angry
On the surface this seems like a good idea. I mean, who can fall asleep when they are spun out about something. And, if you’re upset with your partner, lying next to them and trying to relax just throws gasoline on the fire already burning inside. It’s how this advice...
Think of it this way. If you’re headed to your office and there is an accident on the highway, do you just go back home the way you came? No, you take a different route.
That’s because there is more than one way to get there. You probably choose the fastest way. But there are other routes, even if they are longer or more round about.
And the same is true of just about everything.
Black and white thinking becomes right and wrong thinking. Hence the increase in conflict. If you believe you are right and that there are only two choices, your spouse must then be wrong. You end up having the same disagreements over and over. You each dig in to your positions and the distance grows.
The picture is of my Christmas gift from my daughter. It’s a series of puzzles based around colors. I also have the blue and purple ones. But this one—the black and white one—is much more difficult. The shades of black and white aren’t so clear as you would think.
There is nuance. And it isn’t just the puzzle. Black and white isn’t as clear cut as you hope either.
So sometimes your way is the best way. Sometimes your wife’s is. Sometimes a third, fourth, or fifth way is. But you’ll never know if you get caught in zero/one, right/wrong, black/white thinking.
But this requires being willing to experience uncertainty.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I can help. So don’t hesitate to get in touch.
Around the Web This Week
Is Emotional Exhaustion Hurting You and Your Marriage?
Are you or your partner emotionally exhausted? If your answer is yes, you’re not alone. Emotional exhaustion is not new, but it is getting some much-needed attention after the last several difficult years. And emotional exhaustion is to your heart and soul what physical exhaustion is to your body. In other words, not good. How can you identify it? And, more importantly, how can you address it in a positive and productive way? Psychotherapist and author of The Emotionally Exhausted Woman: Why You’re Feeling Depleted and How to Get What You Need Nancy Colier offers a path forward.
