“In this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes.” Benjamin Franklin
With apologies to Benjamin Franklin, there are only two things that are certain—you’re pregnant or you’re not; you’re dead or you’re not. (Unless you’re a fan of The Princess Bride and then you can be mostly dead.) Everything else is a shade of gray. Which means most of what goes on in your marriage.
The truth is people don’t like uncertainty. Putting things into simple boxes eliminates that uncertainty. And black and white thinking allows you to do that.
But in the attempt to make life simpler, easier to understand, you actually complicate things.
Black and white thinking leads to more conflict, not less. This is because it only gives you two choices: right and wrong, this or that, your way or the highway.
Life and relationships are more complicated than that.
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Think of it this way. If you’re headed to your office and there is an accident on the highway, do you just go back home the way you came? No, you take a different route.
That’s because there is more than one way to get there. You probably choose the fastest way. But there are other routes, even if they are longer or more round about.
And the same is true of just about everything.
Black and white thinking becomes right and wrong thinking. Hence the increase in conflict. If you believe you are right and that there are only two choices, your spouse must then be wrong. You end up having the same disagreements over and over. You each dig in to your positions and the distance grows.
The picture is of my Christmas gift from my daughter. It’s a series of puzzles based around colors. I also have the blue and purple ones. But this one—the black and white one—is much more difficult. The shades of black and white aren’t so clear as you would think.
There is nuance. And it isn’t just the puzzle. Black and white isn’t as clear cut as you hope either.
So sometimes your way is the best way. Sometimes your wife’s is. Sometimes a third, fourth, or fifth way is. But you’ll never know if you get caught in zero/one, right/wrong, black/white thinking.
But this requires being willing to experience uncertainty.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I can help. So don’t hesitate to get in touch.
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