Are you one of the 46 million people who Googled “my wife ruins every holiday”? Is your wife one of the 16 million who Googled “my husband ruins every holiday”?
Just take a moment and let those numbers sink in.
As you find yourself in the middle of “the most wonderful time of the year”, you may want to ask what does and doesn’t make it that way. For you. For her. For your kids. For your extended families. For your friends. Exhausted yet?
If either of you could be the secret Googler, it’s important to ask yourself what is going on. How is this impacting your marriage and, more importantly, what are you going to do about it?
Because if the holidays are being ruined year after year, you are part of the problem. Even if, in your mind, it is all her doing. She spends too much. She cares too much about decorating the house. She expects you to do all the heavy lifting. Her family lays on the guilt about spending time with them, even if they live hours away, and she won’t ever say ‘no’.
Because none of these things can happen without your agreeing to them on some level.
I know. You don’t want to start a fight over this. Not at this late date. But it is never too late to have a heart to heart about what works for you and what doesn’t.
If you have already committed to things for this year, do not renege. But be prepared to have a real conversation about what you need to happen going forward.
My rule of thumb is that the first holiday season you are a couple time should be taken to discuss what matters to each of you in terms of how you want to celebrate. Negotiation then proceeds until there is real agreement—not just “agreeing” to end a difficult conversation. Both of you should feel heard and know your wishes have been included as much as possible.
Unfortunately, most couples just slide into holiday celebrations without much thought. They do what one or both of the families want. Sometimes for years. The expectations other people have become the priority and you go along to get along until you can’t. Then it becomes like trying to turn the Titanic.
Everything about the holidays is about boundaries. Yours and your wife’s.
So if you believe your spouse always ruins the holidays, you haven’t set clear boundaries. Either as an individual or as a couple.
You are working at cross purposes. And one, or both of you, will continue to dread the holidays until something changes.
The first step is to get clear on what is happening and how you feel about it. Then you need to go deeper into why you’ve allowed it to continue. Be wary of any statement that begins with “she” or “her”. Your wife plays a part, absolutely. But she can’t “make” you do anything.
Hoping that things will get better, that someone else will step up, is a pipe dream. The only way for things to change is to come up with a more suitable solution. One that truly works for you.
If you are interested in setting healthier boundaries around the holidays, or anything else, let’s talk.
