“If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase.” Epictetus
There’s a philosophy in several forms of martial arts that the path to success is to turn your foe’s energy against them. A similar idea will work to transform your wife’s anger with you.
No, it’s not about getting angry in response. Though that’s what frequently happens when someone feels attacked and blamed. If you’ve tried that you know it doesn’t work. It usually just inflames the situation; leaving you worse off than you were before.
You need to do something different. Something that will take her by surprise and even the playing field.
Last time I addressed how to keep yourself in check when she is on the warpath.
Now I want to suggest steps you can take to begin to resolve the situation.
You can’t make any progress unless and until she feels heard. You probably won’t agree with her perspective, but confronting it head on isn’t the answer. You’ve tried that already and I bet it hasn’t worked.
The way to disarm her anger is to find something you can agree with. Even if it’s a small part of her larger complaint, it will get her attention. If you can own one thing, it will leave her feeling validated.
Now I’m not suggesting you fold like a cheap suit and agree with her about things you don’t believe. That’s the road to resentment. It also won’t satisfy her because she won’t believe you.
But finding one or two of her points you can agree with will open the door to cooling her anger. And that’s the first step to reconciliation.
You focus on those points of agreement and leave her larger perspective for later.
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If you find it a challenge to find something you can agree with, keep asking clarifying questions.
My client Fred was at a complete loss when his wife threw out that he never supported her in her career. He couldn’t agree with her on that global statement. By asking for a specific time she felt unsupported, he was able to admit that he didn’t go to a business function with her because he already had a weekend planned with his brother. He was able to acknowledge her disappointment and she was able to accept his reason.
I know that it doesn’t sound fair. Especially if her perspective is not supported by all the facts. But focusing on fairness isn’t going to get you out of the doghouse. So you want to focus on what’s going to work.
If you do this each time she shares her anger with you, you will build capital. Capital you’ll need when it’s time to share your perspective.
Think of it like a race or game. If you’re behind and you want to win, you first have to catch up. And if your wife is always mad at you, you’re definitely working from behind.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Let me know what you’ve tried to square things with your wife and how it worked.
