“And the truth shall set you free. “John 8:32
There are two kinds of lies. Lies of commission are when you look your wife in the eye and tell her something you know is not true. And lies of omission are when you choose not to tell her something she deserves to know.
Are you guilty of engaging in either form of lying?
If you are, you are damaging the very thing a good marriage is based on—TRUST.
I was thinking about this a few days ago when a prospective client, James, reached out to me. He was afraid his wife was going to divorce him. He believed she had found some evidence of an affair he had over ten years ago. He denied it when she became suspicious at the time it was happening. But now, he believes she may have found proof of the very thing he had been lying to her about all those years ago.
Infidelity is the greatest threat to trust in a marriage. It violates that trust in multiple ways.
While I do not believe it has to lead to the end of a marriage, it certainly is incredibly difficult to move past. This is because it completely undercuts all feelings of trust. Can it be rebuilt? Sometimes. But it’s the hardest work either of you will ever do.
Papering over it will only push the hurt and fear underground. Only to have it make every future disagreement and challenge that much harder to resolve.
Lies of omission may seem to be less problematic, but they aren’t. Instead of being a one-time bomb that blows apart the marriage, they eat away at it slowly. They are the termites of your relationship.
You may think that it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission so lying by omission is a better choice. But this will actually be the death of your relationship by a thousand cuts
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Not telling her things she needs and deserves to know leaves her functioning with partial information. Every decision she makes is an incomplete one. When the consequences confuse her, her trust in you will diminish. If it continues, her trust in you will die. And so will your marriage.
Infidelity frequently involves both types of lies. You lie by omission when you step outside the marriage. This often is due to problems in the marriage you aren’t willing to address. (Another lie of omission because you aren’t sharing your true feelings about things.)
When your wife begins to suspect something is going on and confronts you, the “to her face” lies begin. And you won’t be alone. I’ve even known of a man on the witness stand in his divorce lying about his infidelity until his wife’s attorney showed him evidence. It didn’t end well.
In politics, it’s often not the act but the cover up that’s the problem.
In marriage, the cheating breaks the trust. But it’s the lying about it that shatters the marriage.
Being radically honest takes courage. And it will set you apart from the crowd.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach Out and let me know what you struggle telling your wife the truth about.
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