“The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.” Teddy Roosevelt
Every so often I have a week where there seems to be a theme with everyone I talk to. This week it seems to be the idea of being relational. An idea I learned from family therapist and author Terry Real.
Being relational means accepting that you are meant to connect with others on an interpersonal and emotional level and that strong, fulfilling relationships help people maintain emotional well-being.
You spend a lot of time trying to find the right person to be in a relationship with, but too often don’t know how to keep things going past the initial “honeymoon phase.”
The result? Misunderstandings, hurt, resentment, and breakup.
For example:
Kyle– whose wife thinks he’s personally responsible for the mood of everyone in the family. So he is constantly monitoring his emotions to make sure he doesn’t upset anyone, especially his wife. So if he has a bad day, he just stuffs it down instead of being able to share it and get much needed support.
Adam—who believes it’s his fault anytime his wife is upset, even if it’s not with him. He tries to “fix” it and usually ends up making it worse.
Mark—who didn’t use to talk over purchases, like a new car, with his wife. He learned that didn’t make her very happy. So now he brings things to her but if she doesn’t agree with moving forward, he rages and stomps around until she gives in.
Greg—whose wife got mad at him for not being hungry enough to eat much of a dinner she carefully prepared for his family. Acts of service are her love language and she felt rejected. Unfortunately, she doesn’t make the same connection to his language of physical touch and her rejection of his desire to hug and kiss her.
One of my favorite expressions is that no one has to take a Relationship 101 Class and everyone should.
Bad Marriage Advice #4: If You’re Not Fighting One of You is Hiding Something
Disagreement in a marriage is a given, but fighting is a choice. I will stand behind these words until I can’t speak any longer. So I have a real problem with those in my profession who believe that if you and your wife aren’t fighting then one of you isn’t being...
Bad Marriage Advice #3: It’s Okay to Fight But You Need to Learn to Fight “Fair”
What comes up for you when you hear the word “fight”? Anything positive? This is what my issue is with the marriage advice to couples that it’s okay to fight as long as you do it fairly. To me this is as useful as putting lipstick on a pig. It’s trying to dress up...
Bad Marriage Advice #2: Don’t Go to Bed Angry
On the surface this seems like a good idea. I mean, who can fall asleep when they are spun out about something. And, if you’re upset with your partner, lying next to them and trying to relax just throws gasoline on the fire already burning inside. It’s how this advice...
The above scenarios could all be avoided if both partners were better versed in relational skills.
One of the biggest is to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Relationships are between two people with different experiences and perspectives. The more you push back against these differences, the more difficulties there will be.
And in marriages, these differences show up everywhere.
But all of the above scenarios could be resolved if both partners were more comfortable with being uncomfortable.
It’s not necessarily easy but it is relational. And that’s what’s needed to make your marriage work.
Becoming more relational in your marriage is possible. You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Hit reply and let me know what relational skill you would like to master. I’ll send you a personal response.
Around the Web This Week
The Power of Bringing Fun Into Your Marriage
When was the last time you and your spouse had fun together? Not with the family, but just with each other? If you can’t remember, or if you don’t make it a regular thing, your marriage could be in trouble.
Laughter isn’t just good medicine for you personally, it can serve as the glue for your relationship. Relationship experts Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin and his wife Rivka reveal the power that making the time to have fun together brings to marital satisfaction and personal happiness.
