No, I’m not talking about initiating sex. I’m talking about after you’ve had a disagreement or a fight. Who reaches out to the other first? And is it always the same person? Because the details of how the two of you repair the breech in your marriage matters.
All relationships follow the pattern of connection, disconnection, and repair. The disconnection can be small—a misunderstanding or minor disagreement. Or it can be major—a loud argument or days long silent treatment. These moments are uncomfortable and do damage to your marriage.
A big factor in how healthy your relationship will be is how you come back together after these disruptions. In the best marriages, both partners reach out to heal the damage and are open to what John Gottman calls “bids for connection”.
How does it work in yours?
Are you the one reaching out to your wife? Or is she the one who has to initiate the healing?
Do you each apologize for your part in the break? Is it only one of you who owns their behavior? Do you just move on as if nothing ever happened? Do you even recognize your partner’s attempt to reconnect?
Your answers to these questions matter. The longer the two of you stay in disconnection mode, the more damage is done. And the harder it is to fully recover because resentment can take root.
I’m reminded of my clients Sue and Jack. She wanted to hear the words “I’m sorry” from Jack after a disruption. He struggled to say those words, but he would come up behind her, put his hands on her shoulders and kiss her neck.
Sue could have decided to reject Jack’s bid for connection because it doesn’t happen the way she wants. Luckily, she is mature enough to not let “perfect get in the way of good enough”.
She learned to accept his repair attempt in the spirit it was being given. Had she held out for it happening “her” way, he might have chosen to do nothing at all or become resentful that his way wasn’t “valid”.
Do you hold your ground on how your partner must approach you? Does she mandate how you must reconnect? If either occurs, my guess is that repair doesn’t really happen in your relationship. And that will have long term consequences.
You can continue in this fashion, or you can choose to learn how to repair and reconnect more effectively. The choice, and what it leads to, are up to you.
Oh, and if intimacy is what you’re after, I think you know which is the better option.
If you would like to be better at repair and reconnection, let’s talk.
