“Real connection and intimacy is like a meal, not a sugar fix.” Kristin Armstrong
It’s fairly common for you to act like everyone else experiences the world the same way you do.
After all, you’d never get anything done if you were distracted by all the ways someone could act and think differently from you.
I mean, if you interpret things in a certain way—and you consider yourself pretty normal—everyone should see it the same way.
That is the big relationship mistake most people make. And it’s fatal when it comes to intimacy.
There’s a saying in neurobiology that neurons that fire together wire together. This has big implications for both the quantity and quality of your sex life.
Men tend to have an orgasm upwards of 90% of the time you engage in sexual activity. Does this match your experience?
Do you know how often your wife has an orgasm?
Is it every time? Half the time? A third?
Would you know if she’s faking one? (Hopefully she never does that!)
If she doesn’t have a real one almost every time, what is that doing to her intimacy wiring?
Bad Marriage Advice #12: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Back in 2002, Richard Carlson published Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and It’s All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life. It’s a short collection of 100 pieces of advice to help you stop obsessing over little things that bother...
BAD MARRIAGE ADVICE #11: HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE
Almost to a man when I ask my clients what they want, I hear, “I want my wife to be happy.” And they truly do. It’s great to do things that will increase her positive feelings. But making her happiness the standard by which your marriage is judged is problematic. A...
Bad Marriage Advice #10: If You’re Not Happy in Your Marriage, You Should Leave
Many fairy tales end “and they lived happily ever after”. But marriage is not a fairy tale. In the early days of your relationship, you probably spent more happy times together than not. Otherwise, why get married? So it can come as a shock when you realize that you...
The first step is making sure that the relationship is foundationally strong. You have established an environment of trust and emotional safety.
The next step is to develop and maintain emotional intimacy. Then sex becomes more than just a physical act. It becomes the pathway to deep connection.
Finally, it takes time. Women take longer to warm up and be ready to be physical. This can make them feel self-conscious and selfish. So they might short-circuit the process if they believe they are inconveniencing you.
Hence part of the reason they might not reach orgasm. If your wife feels like she is taking too long, it will impact her ability to orgasm. She might pretend to have one. She might just tell you to go ahead with your own pleasure.
And her pleasure neurons will wire to an activity that isn’t really pleasurable for her.
If this is happening, your sex life will not be all it can be. In fact, it can turn into an uphill battle.
Women have tremendous potential for pleasure. That is the sole purpose of the clitoris. It has no other reason to exist.
So making sure your relationship is on good footing, that you are connecting outside of the bedroom, and that both of you are firing/wiring for pleasure, your sex life will be fantastic.
You’ve got this. But, if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and let me know your biggest intimacy challenge. I promise to provide a confidential response.
