Sex can be great. And if you’re not having any, it can be frustrating. Especially if you have a spouse or significant other who is sharing your life and your bed. And if this is happening in your marriage, you’re part of the almost 25% of adults who reported having no sex in 2018.
This is part of a 30-year trend. Some of this can be explained by the population getting older. Some by the fact that more people are unattached. But the number of 20–30-year-old men not having regular sex has also increased. You may not fall into this demographic, but you could be experiencing the same thing. And, if you’re both healthy and attached, you may be confused about why you’re not having the quantity or quality of sex you want.
In a recent Twitter post, public health activist Alexandra M. Hunt suggested that maybe we should be moving toward the “right” to have sex. Now she is talking about consensual sex but even the suggestion that there is “right” to sex is problematic.
While I am a believer that neither partner should opt out of a major aspect of a marriage—and physical intimacy is a major aspect—no one has ever died from lack of sex. And no one is entitled to sex. Not on your birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, or even every other Tuesday.
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Trevor Noah took on this idea of the “right” to sex on his show last week. He said, “People don’t realize how often men are experiencing a lack of intimacy. And the only place that they can experience that intimacy is through sex.”
And I have found this to be true. It’s easier for men to focus on sex than loneliness. It’s easier for them to focus on sex than to ask for a supporting hug. But men not only desire that non-sexual connection. They need it. But they don’t always know it. Or, if they do, how to ask for it. Hence the focus on sex.
Part of the reason is because men often struggle to understand their inner life and experiences. They aren’t encouraged to do this deep exploration. So when they are having a hard time, dealing with unfamiliar emotions, they turn to the familiar—sex.
They get their feel-good neurotransmitters from sex. Serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins. This is much easier than dealing with difficult thoughts and feelings. But it can make things difficult because it makes them dependent on someone else to feel good.
Only focusing on sex and not making the time and taking the initiative to connect with your wife outside of the bedroom will make getting action in the bedroom more difficult. So, if you don’t want to be one of the growing percentage of men having no or limited sex then make sure you don’t miss the rest of this series.
If you’re ready to increase the connection and intimacy in your marriage now, schedule a time to take with me today.
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