“Never rebel for the sake of rebelling, but always rebel for the sake of truth.” Criss Jami
Your wife is asking for you to do more around the house. Doesn’t she understand how tired you are from your long day at work? Doesn’t she appreciate all you already do and now she wants more? Why does it have to be on her timetable? Why does it have to be done her way?
If any of this sounds familiar, you might be letting your inner rebel take charge.
I get it. I don’t like being told what to do either.
I thought I had put my inner rebel to bed when I was in the 9th grade. I had spent two years being called by one or the other of my oldest sisters’ names by my math teacher and I was tired of it.
I had spent my entire life being compared to them and never feeling good enough. I remember wondering if this was just the way things would always be.
I briefly entertained the idea of choosing to do things completely opposite from them. But I knew that becoming the “bad” girl wasn’t in my long-term best interest. Instead, I committed to outdoing them when and where I could.
I thought that I had put my inner rebel to rest at the time I made that decision. But she popped up today and I realized the quiet havoc she’s been wreaking behind the scenes for years.
She pops up every time I hear the word “should”. I’ve long wanted to eliminate that word from the English language. Until today, I never fully understood why I hate it so much. My knee-jerk response is coming straight from my rebellious side.
Many people, maybe even you, have the same reaction when their spouse wants them to do something they aren’t wild about. Their inner rebel says, “Make me.”
A reaction that is not helpful to the health of your relationship.
Bad Marriage Advice #12: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Back in 2002, Richard Carlson published Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and It’s All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life. It’s a short collection of 100 pieces of advice to help you stop obsessing over little things that bother...
BAD MARRIAGE ADVICE #11: HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE
Almost to a man when I ask my clients what they want, I hear, “I want my wife to be happy.” And they truly do. It’s great to do things that will increase her positive feelings. But making her happiness the standard by which your marriage is judged is problematic. A...
Bad Marriage Advice #10: If You’re Not Happy in Your Marriage, You Should Leave
Many fairy tales end “and they lived happily ever after”. But marriage is not a fairy tale. In the early days of your relationship, you probably spent more happy times together than not. Otherwise, why get married? So it can come as a shock when you realize that you...
If you allow that part of you to run your side of the marriage, you will increase conflict and decrease respect. As a result, you will lose connection and intimacy.
AND you will change the dynamic from one of equal partners to a parent-child one. With you as the child. That’s not a good look for any marriage.
It truly bothers me when women say all men are children. It’s inaccurate and disrespectful. But by letting your inner rebel control your actions, it gives your wife permission to apply that description to you.
In a healthy marriage, neither of you has to do things the way the other partner wants. You don’t lose your autonomy just because you’re married. But it is wise to handle these requests with emotional maturity, not rebellion.
Say yes to what you can, even if it’s with the caveat that you get to do it the way it works best for you. And be kind when the answer must be no.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and share how your inner rebel shows up.
