If you aren’t actively taking care of your marriage, it’s at risk of failing. You might think everything is okay, or at least not so bad that you need to take action, but your wife may think otherwise. It doesn’t mean that her perspective is 100% accurate but downplaying it can cost you big time. Because in this case, perception is reality.
You got her to say “yes” to you twice. Once when you asked her to marry you and again on your wedding day. Would you get her to say “yes” again? The answer to this question should not be “maybe” or “I’m not sure”. If you’re not, you’ve got some work to do. Because she might say “yes” to divorce.
I was talking with my client Joseph (not his real name) earlier today. His wife wants to have another talk about where their relationship is going. To be clear, he wants to be in a complete marriage with her because he loves her. They also have two children, and he doesn’t want to break up the family. He has been clear about this but, every time he shares this, she feels he’s pressuring her.
Did you read that? She wants to talk about the relationship but doesn’t want to hear that he wants to be more than just co-parents. So, what is he supposed to do?
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The only thing he, or any of us, can. Focus on himself and what he can control. And he’s been doing a great job.
He has taken stock of how he has been in the marriage and has made concrete steps to do better. It took him a while to get there as he fell prey to focusing on her and what she wasn’t doing. A common, but ultimately unproductive, exercise.
When you are part of a couple, you have a built-in scapegoat. It is so much easier to focus on your partner and what you believe are their faults. You may be right, but you can’t change another person.
When you focus on what you’re contributing to the relationship, you have leverage. When you step up and be the best person and partner you can be, you are leading by example.
Leaders lead. They don’t shout through megaphones for other people to submit.
Is this fair? Maybe not. But it’s the only thing that works.
So, if you want her to continue to say “yes” to the marriage, then be the partner you need to be. Take charge of making your marriage great—for you, for her, for you both.
This involves being open to where things are difficult for you. Whether that’s having hard conversations, setting boundaries, managing your emotions, making time to be together regularly, sharing deeply, dividing up the household tasks to keep things running, whatever.
Examine your contributions—both good and not so good—and improve where you can. And if you need help, get it.
While it won’t be a magic pill if she doesn’t follow your lead, it often is what will make the difference in her wanting to stay. And, you will feel more empowered and confident about yourself.
So, if you’re ready to build a super marriage that works for both of you, schedule a call with me today.
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