“Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” Oscar Wilde
The John Wooden quote, “If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have the time to do it over?” popped into my head earlier this week when I was talking to Elliot who just married for the third time.
He responded to my request for a research interview as I am always trying to make sure I am on the right track with what I teach my clients.
To his credit, Elliot acknowledged how he married for the wrong reasons the first two times. He felt pressured by his church and his family to get married when he was twenty. He knew then that he wasn’t ready. He just didn’t have the confidence to stand up for himself and to them.
The next time, he chose a woman completely opposite from his first wife, thinking that would make it successful. By focusing on what she wasn’t, instead of on who she was and whether it fit with his goals and values, he missed some critical information.
He then took some time and did the hard personal work to identify the mistakes he made and to figure out what he really wanted and needed in a partner and a marriage.
As a result, when he met his current wife, he was ready. He knew about the challenges most marriages face and his role in making them harder. He was expecting to face the same struggles in his new marriage and felt prepared to handle them successfully.
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Imagine his surprise when everything seemed to be going much more smoothly this time around. The conversations were more productive, even when dealing with hard things like stepchildren, setting up a new home, even starting a new job.
He invites his wife into conversations. She invites him. Emotions don’t spill out of control and pollute the relationship for days at a time. No one slams out of the house or sleeps in a different room. They both feel heard, validated, and respected.
He could chalk this up to the marriage still feeling new. But he feels it’s different down to his bones.
He doesn’t worry about saying or doing the wrong thing because there is no longer only one acceptable position. He and his wife disagree all the time. But it’s no longer personal or served with a sense of superiority or manipulation.
They are each quick to apologize for their behavior when things go off track and don’t blame the other for when an issue comes up.
In Elliot’s case, it definitely sounds like the third time is the charm. Because he took charge of himself and made the time to learn how to be a better partner. (By the way, it doesn’t involve becoming a doormat.)
You don’t have to experience two divorces to get to the place Elliot is in now. But you do have to take action. I would love to hear about how things are going in your marriage. If you would like to share, schedule your Research Interview today.
