Last weekend was one of mixed emotions for me. I returned to my special place for the first time in almost 25 years to honor my mother’s final request. She died over 18 months ago and wanted her ashes buried at the cabin our family once owned in the Sierra Nevada Mountains.
I didn’t spend a lot of time there—usually one week during the summers—but it’s where I have always felt most connected to the world and to myself.
I retreated there after a bad breakup after college.
When I have trouble sleeping, it’s where I go in my mind to relax.
It’s also where my husband proposed to me 36 years ago.
My mother sold the cabin in 1998, thus my long exile.
It was bittersweet to be there and my mood over the four days kept shifting. Emotions will do that. Luckily, my husband just gave me space to be where I needed to be at any given moment.
It can be disappointing to return to a place you haven’t been in a long time because things tend to change. Luckily, much was as I remembered. Even the cabin itself seemed the same—at least externally.
The huge pine tree that marks the lot was still there. And still smells like butterscotch.
The available family gathered—my sisters, their children, one of mine, my husband, cousin and an aunt, still spry in her 90s, were all there.
I was thrilled to be back in a place that means so much. Glad to be with family. And sad for the reason why.
But this is life. Celebrating my mother in a place that
mattered to her and to me. A connection linking us.
The happy and the sad.
My family tends to be long-lived so hopefully I will be able to return in person. But until then, I have the memories and the feelings. I can go there in my mind and heart anytime. And that is comforting.
But being there also reminded me how special it is, and I don’t have infinite time. None of us do.
What have you been meaning to do but keep putting off? What do you need to make time for?
For me, it’s at least one more trip to Lower Twin Lake in
the High Sierras of California.
