“There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.” – Billy Joel
Intimacy (not just sex) is often a desired part of marriage. But judging your relationship by what is, or is not, happening in the bedroom is a mistake. Though one that is frequently and easily made. Especially by husbands.
I get it. It’s easy to quantify how often you and your wife “get busy”. But quantity does not equate to quality. And rating your marriage using only one metric is too narrow—no matter how important it is to one of you.
Yes, there seems to be a minimum amount of physical intimacy that correlates with a good relationship. But that’s a lot smaller number than you might think.
Just as making more money than about $75,000 isn’t going to make you much happier, having sex more than once a week isn’t going to increase your overall satisfaction with your marriage.
So there seems to be a minimum amount of physical intimacy associated with a good relationship. After that, it’s just icing on the cake. As long as it’s enjoyable for both of you.
And that’s why focusing only on quantity is a red herring.
For those in a sexless marriage (10 or fewer times in a year), you might be thrilled to have sex more than once a month. Once a week would make you feel like you’ve died and gone to heaven. You may feel like the starving man constantly on the lookout for any crumb that comes his way.
But this laser focus on how often you and your wife are intimate can blind you to other, equally important aspects of your relationship.
How Your Wife is Wired for Intimacy
"Real connection and intimacy is like a meal, not a sugar fix." Kristin Armstrong It’s fairly common for you to act like everyone else experiences the world the same way you do. After all, you’d never get anything done if you were distracted by all the ways someone...
Are You Reaping What You Sow in Your Intimacy?
"You’re frustrated because you keep waiting for the blooming of flowers of which you have yet to sow the seeds.” Steve Maraboli True intimacy (and even good sex) is not spontaneous. It makes me think of farmers. They don’t just go out and harvest their crops. They...
You Say You Love Her But….
"We tell people what’s important by how we spend our time. Laura Vanderkam As we head into the holiday season, I have a question. How much time are you setting aside for your marriage? I was talking to a client the other day and he was explaining how he and his wife...
Yes, you read that right. There are other areas of your relationship that matter as much as the physical one.
And if you want to get your marriage to that magic once per week number, taking care of those other areas are worthy of your attention.
Because sex, at least good sex, doesn’t happen in isolation. And the better the sex is, the more likely it will happen without a whole lot of effort.
Nurturing your emotional connection will increase your marital satisfaction and, more than likely, increase both the quality and quantity of your physical intimacy as well.
Making the time to be together outside the bedroom is critical to this outcome. Trust, time together as a couple, and being fully present are critical components for emotional connection.
These are the things you both valued when you first got together. They are just as important now. Maybe even more so. Unfortunately, they often aren’t as prioritized as they need to be. And focusing on 15-30 minutes of slap and tickle at the end of a long day will only work for so long.
If you want a truly fulfilling marriage—physical intimacy and all—getting your mind out of the bedroom is the place to start.
You’ve got this. And if you don’t, I’ve got you. If you want to hit that magic number, schedule a Hero Husband Consultation to find out how.
