You’ve probably heard the expression “honesty is the best policy”. You may even claim that honesty is one of your core values. But when it comes to your marriage, do you follow through? If not, why not?
Two things have happened this week that have this front and center in my mind.
First, an acquaintance of mine, a divorce coach, just pre-launched her best-selling book for women beginning the divorce process. She has received multiple requests for a way to purchase it without letting their husbands know about it. To me, this is completely dishonest.
Now, if you are trying to escape an abusive marriage and your physical safety is at risk, this is a wise move. Short of that—not so much.
I’m frequently on the receiving end of phone calls from these husbands once the sh*t hits the fan. Many of them are blindsided. Because their wives were not honest with them about the real state of the marriage.
Yes, there may have been some awareness of trouble, but not the clarity that divorce was imminent.
The second thing was a conversation with one of my clients. He knows his wife is unhappy and he knows his marriage is on the line. He is really trying to make things right. They were invited to meet up with a couple they haven’t seen for a while. She nixed the idea and he’s at a loss as to what to tell their friends.
Even though she has shared her unhappiness with a couple of her close friends, she doesn’t want this couple to know. He wants to share the truth with them. So, is she being dishonest or wanting to protect her privacy?
I could argue for either position. In reality it’s probably both. But neither is going to help their relationship.
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At many wedding ceremonies, the guests are asked to promise to support the couple in their marriage. This is impossible to do if the true state of things is not known.
You do get to decide what you tell anyone about your life. When you are part of a couple, their views also need to be considered. Whichever one of you has the higher standard for privacy should be respected. It does, however, beg the question of how to decide what to share and with whom.
Trying to figure things out on your own can work if things aren’t too serious. But when divorce may be on the table? Then it’s time for the cavalry. Not hiding things under the rug and putting on a false front so everyone thinks things are fine.
Divorce doesn’t just impact you. It impacts everyone who loves you. Your children, your families, your friends.
Every marriage, even strong ones, has challenges. But there’s a false sense that no one should know about them. So instead of being upfront and honest about it, you lie. If not directly, then by omission. Maybe even to your partner.
But what if you were honest about what’s going on? There’s a fear it could make things worse. But what if it led to a better marriage? Would that be worth being honest?
If you don’t want to be blindsided in your marriage, take action today and schedule a time to talk today.
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