Every marriage needs a hero. The person willing to step up and do the right thing even if it’s difficult. Especially if it’s difficult. This is critically important if you and your wife are caught in unproductive or hurtful patterns. And way too many couples are.
The usual approach is to continue to do the same old thing and expecting the other person to change.
In the immortal words of Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?” I’d hazard a guess that it’s not.
Many couples want their marriage to be better. They just don’t want to do what’s necessary to make that happen. Each partner is laser-focused on what the other one is doing and why that’s where the problem is. Fix my partner and everything will be fine.
So you end up in a stand-off. You wait for her to change. She waits for you to change. And your marriage dies a little bit more each day.
I see this with my clients all the time. Just the other day in a session, Jackie (not her real name) stated that she knew how she handled something made the situation worse but…..
I pointed out that she now was going to justify why her inappropriate behavior was okay because her husband Sam (also not his real name) wasn’t behaving well either.
It’s depressing. Mostly because it doesn’t have to be this way.
But it will. Until one of you decides to courageously step up and lead the way to a better relationship.
This happens by addressing your behavior. Not your partner’s.
Because when you change your part in the pattern, the pattern will change.
This is why needing to work together as a couple is a fallacy. You learning about what makes a marriage work and implementing the tools and skills consistently is all that is needed to bring about change.
But nobody has to take a Relationship 101 class. You’ve bought into the idea that “love is all you need.” Well, if that were true, divorce would be rare since most couples were in love on their wedding day.
Somewhere along the line, the two of you stopped treating each other in a kind and loving way—like Jackie and Sam. And instead of taking your own inventory and committing to doing better, you continue doing what is making you miserable because it’s easier. Your wife isn’t changing her behavior so why should you?
So you keep doing the same thing even when you know it doesn’t work. It’s familiar. And your marriage will remain a source of stress and pain.
But heroes don’t worry about what others aren’t doing. They face adversity with ingenuity, courage, and strength. They do what’s right even if it isn’t “fair”. They do what’s right even if they’re the only one. They do what’s right because it makes the world, their world, a better place.If you’re ready to be the leader in your marriage, let’s talk.
