“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.” Dennis Waitley
Are there things happening in your marriage that aren’t okay with you? If you said “yes”, I have a question. Why are you allowing it?
I’ve been thinking about this since my client Tom told me his marriage has been sexless for almost it’s entire 40 years. He is unsurprisingly angry and resentful. But his wife is just fine with the status quo.
I understand his frustration. What I find devastating is that it’s gone on this long.
The unfortunate truth is that Tom has some ownership in his situation. Yes, he has expressed his unhappiness with celibacy. They’ve even had arguments about it. But nothing changes.
Because the marriage is working for her.
You might ask how that’s possible. Unfortunately, it’s not as rare as you might think.
I’ve seen many other situations that have been left to fester. Leaving at least one spouse in a less than satisfying marriage.
Robert, another client, is distant from his wife because of her drinking. Again, he doesn’t like it, but he won’t confront her. Mostly because she gets mean when she’s had a bit too much.
Taking on these challenging situations isn’t anything anyone wants to do. But what is the alternative?
Tom and Robert are in pain. Their wives? Not so much.
It never ceases to surprise me how poorly some spouses treat each other. When one partner expresses unhappiness or identifies a problem, a loving, supportive spouse takes it seriously. Together they work to resolve the issue.
But it requires the courage to rock the boat. Especially when it is on its way to sinking.
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Another one of my clients, George, also was living in a sexless marriage. This started after a big blow-up with his wife. She shut him down and out.
He dug in and did the work he needed to do to understand his part in the breakdown of the relationship. He worked with me and five other marriage professionals. He loved his wife and wanted to make it work.
Unfortunately, she decided she wanted a co-parenting relationship. Everything staying the same, except no romance, affection, or sex. He stuck it out for five years, hoping she would not just acknowledge his changes (which she did) but give him and their marriage another chance.
When he realized she wasn’t interested in a complete marriage, he moved out. Even though it meant leaving her and his children. He understood that staying under her conditions was not something he could live with, even though it led to the demise of the family he loved.
My view is that any two people can agree to whatever arrangement they desire. But It’s unworkable unless both agree.
If you don’t, but live with it anyway, you are tacitly agreeing. And your wife will continue undeterred.
I get that it can be difficult to take on your wife in these types of situations. And you don’t have to. You can choose to live with the status quo. But you need to do it willingly, without anger or resentment.
If that’s not acceptable, your only other option is to take action to change things.
You’ve got this. And if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach Out and let me know if you would like some help bringing real change to your marriage.
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When you think about your marriage do you smile? Or do you wonder why you’re even still in it? Marriage shouldn’t be hard. Or work. Or drudgery. If it’s any of those things, then it isn’t serving you well. If you and your partner are feeling disconnected and more like roommates than lovers, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author Anna Svetchnikov reveals a simple tweak you can make to revive the romance.
