“Sexual intimacy is a continuing process of discovery.” – Sheri Stritof
You’ve planned the perfect evening. Kids are at your parents. Dinner ordered from her favorite restaurant. You’ve even agreed to watch her favorite rom-com, again. The stars are in alignment and all’s right with the world. Or so you think.
But then your well-orchestrated evening and your hopes for intimacy with your lady love crashes and burns.
You’re confused, disappointed, and more than a bit hurt.
And it’s not the first time this has happened. And you’re trying not to get too frustrated or angry.
Why does this keep happening?
Does she not find you attractive? Are you a bad lover? Does she not like sex anymore?
As simple as the physical act may be, being in the mood can be a lot more complicated. Especially for women.
It isn’t as easy as excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. That’s old school thinking about how the sexual response works.
What’s been discovered is much more intricate than that.
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The new paradigm is known as the dual control model. There are many systems in the human body that work in partnership, like how the sympathetic and parasympathetic parts of the nervous system are paired.
The two partners in physical desire are known as the Sexual Excitation System (SES) and the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS).
The SES is like the accelerator pedal in your car. It gathers information from the environment and sends your body the message—Turn On!
The SIS is like the brake pedal. All the information you receive from the environment tells your body to Turn Off!
So whether either of you are in the mood is a function of the balance between these two systems.
You did all the right things to get her gas pedal activated. But if you don’t know about the other pedal, the one that shuts things down, you will be rolling the dice every time you want to get busy.
So now you have the whole picture, you can plan for the brake as well.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. I’ll soon be sharing information about my upcoming From Roommate to Romeo Workshop happening next month. But if you want help now, let me know.
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Most people would not stay in a relationship where they feel physically unsafe. But if you don’t feel emotionally safe, that can be equally problematic to your marriage. Emotional safety is important for trust and intimacy. Without those, a good marriage is impossible. And far too many couples don’t know what constitutes emotional safety or how to make sure they have it in their marriage. Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of LoveAndLifeToolbox.com Lisa Kift reveals what you need to know about emotional safety.
