“To choose love and jump in not knowing, with a lot of unknowns, is a brave act.” Mara Brock Akil
It’s deja-vu all over again. At least according to the Hall of Fame catcher and well-spoken Yogi Berra.
I’ve been spending my anniversary week in California with my husband doing a semi-repeat of our honeymoon. Thirty-seven years ago, we traveled up the California coast ending in Sonoma and visiting more than a few wineries.
Wine tasting is one of the threads weaving through our years together. Lots of it in California. Some in Washington State. An amazing trip to Australia. And back home in NC. (This last should stick to craft brews and distilleries and leave the wine making to others.)
This trip we added a new hobby—disc golf. Our son got us into it about 18 months ago. It’s fun – mostly. And we get to spend quality time together on a regular basis. We get out in the fresh air and get some exercise. Sometimes our kids and their partners join us as well.
When we met, I took ballet. I still dance though ballroom has replaced ballet. Something he and I started doing in preparation for our daughter’s wedding.
Over the years, activities have come and gone but we’ve always managed to find something we both like to do together. As a couple. Mostly without the kids.
It’s what’s kept us focused and functioning as partners, not just parents.
Having this committed connection is what eases the longing for my home state.
Bad Marriage Advice #12: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Back in 2002, Richard Carlson published Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and It’s All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life. It’s a short collection of 100 pieces of advice to help you stop obsessing over little things that bother...
BAD MARRIAGE ADVICE #11: HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE
Almost to a man when I ask my clients what they want, I hear, “I want my wife to be happy.” And they truly do. It’s great to do things that will increase her positive feelings. But making her happiness the standard by which your marriage is judged is problematic. A...
Bad Marriage Advice #10: If You’re Not Happy in Your Marriage, You Should Leave
Many fairy tales end “and they lived happily ever after”. But marriage is not a fairy tale. In the early days of your relationship, you probably spent more happy times together than not. Otherwise, why get married? So it can come as a shock when you realize that you...
As we were winding through the golden hills dotted with oak trees, my heart and soul ached with the loss of not being in California. The smell of the eucalyptus trees is a reminder of what I am missing.
My husband was surprised a few months back when I said I didn’t consider myself a Southerner. He reminded me that I have spent more years in North Carolina than in California. I said, “It doesn’t matter. I am now and will always be a California girl”.
A good friend asked if I would ever go back. My initial response was, “In a heartbeat.” But I know that isn’t true.
Both of my children are on the East Coast. While I have some family and friends in CA, my life isn’t there anymore. And probably never will be again.
I made a choice a long time ago to leave and have never regretted it. I get to come back and visit regularly and that is going to have to be enough.
I fell in love with a North Carolina boy thirty-eight years ago and decided to build a life with him. It meant giving up some things to gain others. The pros have definitely outweighed any losses, real or imagined.
Keeping that in focus is the key to being happy in the here and now.
What keeps you connected to your spouse? What, if anything, would you like to do more of with them? Hit reply and let me know. I really am interested.
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Stop Accepting the “Status Quo” in Your Marriage
Do you believe that marriage takes work? Do you believe that marriage is the place sex goes to die? Do you believe that you need to compromise and sacrifice who you are for your marriage to work? Do you believe that this is the best you’re going to get so just accept it? STOP. NOW. These statements are only true if you choose to continue believing them. You don’t have to settle for a “less than” marriage. Stuart Motola, relationship coach and the author of Fixing You is Killing Me: A Conscious Roadmap to Knowing When to Save and When to Leave Your Relationship, reveals how you can have the relationship you desire and deserve.
