You want your wife to be happy. You really, really do. And therein lies the difficulty. Her happiness is out of your control. Yes, you can do things that add or detract from her happiness, but the choice to be happy or angry or loving or frustrated is hers alone. You cannot control it or her.
Everyone has initial reactions to events and experiences. But what happens after that is up to you. You can stay with that emotion. Feed it. Hold it close to your heart. Or…… you can choose to feel another way.
So, what does this have to do with respect?
Well, if you buy into “Happy Wife, Happy Life” or “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”, you give her all the power. You won’t take a stand that makes your wife uncomfortable or disappoints her. You push down what matters to you in a vain attempt to manage her feelings.
The result? Either you’re viewed as a spineless wimp or you have moments of standing up to her, often harshly, and tension, discord, and pain follow. Both lead to less respect from her and your marriage will suffer.
Instituting boundaries is the answer. This is because boundaries teach people how to treat you and they teach you how to respect yourself. Because if you don’t respect you, it increases the chance that your wife won’t either.
If you aren’t living in integrity—honoring what you say matters to you—it is hard to be respected. Sometimes the boundary involves putting a limit on what you do. Sometimes it means creating a boundary with another person.
For many people, maybe you, it is difficult to create and enforce a boundary with someone you love. You get accused of being mean or uncaring. They don’t agree so they don’t comply. Worse, they do more of the very thing you want to stop.
But boundaries are not about judgments, punishments or betrayals. They are merely the manifestation of the guidelines you want to live by.
The thing to remember is that your boundaries are about you. As long as you buy into them and understand the purpose each one serves for your life, you will be able to enforce them.
The first step in creating and executing a boundary is Clarity. Do you understand why you’re wanting this particular boundary? How will it make your life better? How will it enable you to be more in alignment with how you want to be in the world? Be clear about how and why this is important.
The next step is to have a Plan. A way to convey your boundary to your wife in a kind and respectful way. Please note. This isn’t about asking permission to have a boundary but about the words you will use to share it. Be clear. Be concise. Be kind.
So, if there is something in your marriage that is out of alignment with how you want to live your life, see it as an opportunity to create a boundary. It’s not something you are doing to her but something you are doing for you and your marriage.
If there is something specific you want to create a boundary for in your marriage or life, let’s talk.
