“When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. ” Karl Menninger
Two of the most common goals my clients have is to improve their communication and have better, more and deeper intimacy with their wives. What they, and most men, don’t realize how connected these two are.
Which is why I did the Roommate to Romeo Workshop last week. The men who joined me were open, interested, and generous. They really wanted to learn how to connect more intimately with their wives.
We started off talking about the path to intimacy for a lot of women—emotional safety → emotional connection → physical intimacy.
Many men focus on the end of the equation. For the analytical, left-brained men I attract, the reason is pretty simple. The amount of physical intimacy can be quantified.
They can give me the stats: how often they have sex, how long it lasts, etc.
But the focus on the desired end result, instead of the conditions that are necessary to reach that result, puts the focus on the wrong end of the equation.
And the emotional connection she needs doesn’t lend itself to easy counting. More than likely, she needs some level of emotional connection to want to be physically intimate.
But how much is enough? And what exactly does it look like?
This is what the men who participated in the workshop wanted to know. Maybe you do too.
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They shared that they often felt overwhelmed by how much their wives wanted to communicate. Often about things they didn’t fully understand or find that interesting. They often missed that this was the opening that would lead them to the physical connection they want.
Please don’t misunderstand, they don’t just want sex. They want the deeper connection that having sex provides. They love their wives and want to feel close to them. Sound familiar?
One of the biggest take-aways from the workshop was when I shared the quote by David Augsberger, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
I could actually see the lightbulbs going off.
And. It. Was. Amazing.
Did it go off for you as well? I sure hope so.
Too often, you listen to respond instead of listening to understand. You’re planning how to get your point across instead of trying to understand what she is trying to say. And it’s often much deeper than the words she is using.
But listening—real, deep, interested listening—is the key to better communication AND greater intimacy.
So take the Augsberger quote to heart. You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and we’ll talk.
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Marriage is for grownups. This doesn’t mean you are over 18 or some other arbitrary age of majority. It means that you are emotionally ready to commit to creating a life with someone else. Because, while marriage can and should be about love, it’s about so much more. And one of those things is emotional maturity. Pastor and author, Marc Alan Schelske, is here to talk about what this is, why it matters, and, more importantly, how you can develop it in your life and marriage.
