“When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. ” Karl Menninger
Two of the most common goals my clients have is to improve their communication and have better, more and deeper intimacy with their wives. What they, and most men, don’t realize how connected these two are.
Which is why I did the Roommate to Romeo Workshop last week. The men who joined me were open, interested, and generous. They really wanted to learn how to connect more intimately with their wives.
We started off talking about the path to intimacy for a lot of women—emotional safety → emotional connection → physical intimacy.
Many men focus on the end of the equation. For the analytical, left-brained men I attract, the reason is pretty simple. The amount of physical intimacy can be quantified.
They can give me the stats: how often they have sex, how long it lasts, etc.
But the focus on the desired end result, instead of the conditions that are necessary to reach that result, puts the focus on the wrong end of the equation.
And the emotional connection she needs doesn’t lend itself to easy counting. More than likely, she needs some level of emotional connection to want to be physically intimate.
But how much is enough? And what exactly does it look like?
This is what the men who participated in the workshop wanted to know. Maybe you do too.
Dealing Productively with Conflict Leads to Better Sex—Who Knew?
Movies and television shows frequently show couples in the heat of battle suddenly ripping each other’s clothes off and having mind-blowing make up sex. But I have a question—when was the last time that happened in your marriage? Yelling, name calling, and having your...
The #1 Reason You Can’t Set Boundaries with Your Wife
To paraphrase Robert Frost, good boundaries make good marriages. But in order to establish good boundaries, you have to be prepared for them not to be popular. At least at first. I can’t tell you the number of times I have heard a parent say to their misbehaving...
Why Doesn’t My Wife Respect Me?
You want your wife to be happy. You really, really do. And therein lies the difficulty. Her happiness is out of your control. Yes, you can do things that add or detract from her happiness, but the choice to be happy or angry or loving or frustrated is hers alone. You...
They shared that they often felt overwhelmed by how much their wives wanted to communicate. Often about things they didn’t fully understand or find that interesting. They often missed that this was the opening that would lead them to the physical connection they want.
Please don’t misunderstand, they don’t just want sex. They want the deeper connection that having sex provides. They love their wives and want to feel close to them. Sound familiar?
One of the biggest take-aways from the workshop was when I shared the quote by David Augsberger, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
I could actually see the lightbulbs going off.
And. It. Was. Amazing.
Did it go off for you as well? I sure hope so.
Too often, you listen to respond instead of listening to understand. You’re planning how to get your point across instead of trying to understand what she is trying to say. And it’s often much deeper than the words she is using.
But listening—real, deep, interested listening—is the key to better communication AND greater intimacy.
So take the Augsberger quote to heart. You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and we’ll talk.
Around the Web This Week
The Marriage and Maturity Connection
Marriage is for grownups. This doesn’t mean you are over 18 or some other arbitrary age of majority. It means that you are emotionally ready to commit to creating a life with someone else. Because, while marriage can and should be about love, it’s about so much more. And one of those things is emotional maturity. Pastor and author, Marc Alan Schelske, is here to talk about what this is, why it matters, and, more importantly, how you can develop it in your life and marriage.
