If that question got your attention—GOOD! Because if you’re not sure the answer is a resounding NO, you don’t have a lot of time to avert disaster. A focus on making the holidays great for your family may be hiding an intention to blow it all up come the new year. That’s when divorce attorneys’ phones ring off the hook.
Take a moment and ask yourself the above question again. Imagine what it means. Everything you know and your family knows as normal can all change in a little over a month. Are you prepared? Is it what you want? If not, action needs to be taken. And quickly.
There are three things you need to do and one that you must not.
First, if there is a behavior your wife has asked you to stop then do so. Each and every day, take steps to productively address her request. If you lose your temper, drink too much, spend a lot of time playing video games, at the gym or with your friends, make the effort to modify what you do. It isn’t that she is completely correct, but if there is something that is causing her distress, you want to minimize this during what is often a stressful time of year.
Be prepared for her not to notice the change in your behavior right away. That’s okay. Keep at it. It will register with her eventually. Resist the urge to tell her about what you’re doing. Let your actions speak for themselves.
Second, take care of everything to do with your family. Whether it’s traveling to see them, having them visit you, meal planning, shopping for gifts, them buying gifts for you, etc., take it on. It’s easy to leave it to your wife to deal with all the details. But they are your family. You’re the connector so it’s your responsibility.
In-laws can often create issues in a marriage, even if it isn’t intentionally. You don’t see your family the way she does because you grew up with them. But your allegiance needs to be with your wife. So if it’s a choice between what they want and she needs, choosing her is the right way to go.
Third, do or say something nice to her every day that lets her know you love her and are glad you’re married to her. Share what makes you grateful for having her in her life. Take some things off her plate. Be present and available to participate in activities with her.
The one thing you should not do is ask how you can “help”. “Helping” implies it is her responsibility in the first place. However you celebrate the holidays, it should not all land on her. If you don’t know what to do, ask anyone but her. Your kids. Her mom. Her friends. She is looking for a partner. Now is a great time to show her you are one.
