Labor Day is over. School is back in session. Halloween is around the corner and the holidays are bearing down. Is your marriage in a strong enough place to weather all of this? Or will you be one of the many couples calling divorce attorneys in the new year?
For the “most wonderful time of the year”, it can be really stressful. And if your marriage is already under stress, what you do from now until the end of the year can send it over the edge or take care of it.
The holidays are like a magnifying glass on your relationship. Issues around finances, time with family, parties, pleasing the children, and more are all super-charged during this time. If your marriage isn’t solidly grounded in love and connection, it might not survive.
Where you put your energy and focus will determine its fate. Too many of us put it in the wrong place and the marriage is left alone, unnoticed in the corner. It needs to be front and center. This should happen all the time but it is critical now.
I hold the position that the best time to deal with the holidays is the first year you are together as a couple. The next best time is anytime after that. Far too many couples follow the path of least resistance and try to please everyone, resulting in over-the-top stress. (Does the movie Four Christmases ring a bell?)
Things usually come to a head when the first grandchild appears. But by then, the expectations have already been set. Trying to adjust them can be akin to turning the Titanic. Usually, it’s too little, too late to avoid the disaster of guilt and hurt feelings sure to arise.
Even if you do manage to thread the needle with the relatives, there are still other things that can trip you up. Finances being one.
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Having a plan for what to spend can keep the financial headache to a minimum. But you have to be able to have that conversation and reach an agreement you both can support and implement. Otherwise, one of you “gives in” but doesn’t follow through. This just sows seeds of resentment — nothing you want growing on the roots of your relationship.
It’s important to ask some hard questions and be willing to be honest with your answers. What do you like about the holidays? What do you wish were different? What is a must have/do and why? What are you willing to let go of to get this? How much time do you want to spend with relatives? Friends? What holiday parties or events can you skip? Who do you want to exchange gifts with? What is a fair budget?
The first step is for you and your spouse to answer the questions alone. Then share your responses with each other. Find the common ground and work from there. Always be willing to answer what makes the item important. (For example, having a live tree is important to me for the smell. It really puts me in the holiday spirit.)
The most important thing is to weigh the impact of each decision on your marriage. Is it bringing you together or pushing you farther apart? If the latter, I recommend further discussion. The holidays come around every year. Your marriage? Only once in a lifetime.
If the holidays put extra stress on you or your marriage, don’t wait to action. Schedule a time to talk with me before life gets too crazy.
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