“Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” – William James
You and your wife are having a disagreement. Whether it turns into conflict is up to you. Your choice will impact your marriage.
Any two people will eventually disagree about something. The two of you are no different. But if you see a normal disagreement as conflict everything changes.
The word conflict provokes strong feelings in most of us. It is a word that has no positive connotation.
People generally have two responses to conflict. First, getting defensive and aggressive. Second, avoidance. Neither will resolve the initial disagreement. Both will damage your marriage.
If your natural tendency in highly charged situations is to fight, you will most likely take that approach in a conflict with your wife. Escalating the situation and creating a break in your relationship.
If your natural tendency is to flee, you will do everything you can to avoid dealing with the situation. Your wife will feel unheard and that she doesn’t matter. Again, creating a break in your relationship.
If this is the pattern you and your wife engage in every time there is a disagreement, your marriage will be in a state of disconnection way too often.
But seeing disagreements as opportunities to learn about each other and grow personally will benefit your marriage.
The trick is to keep these disagreements from escalating into conflict. While a disagreement can create a disconnect in your relationship, it is much easier to repair than if it ends up in escalation or avoidance.
And knowing how to repair a break in your relationship is a necessary skill if you want your marriage not just to survive but actually thrive.
Bad Marriage Advice #4: If You’re Not Fighting One of You is Hiding Something
Disagreement in a marriage is a given, but fighting is a choice. I will stand behind these words until I can’t speak any longer. So I have a real problem with those in my profession who believe that if you and your wife aren’t fighting then one of you isn’t being...
Bad Marriage Advice #3: It’s Okay to Fight But You Need to Learn to Fight “Fair”
What comes up for you when you hear the word “fight”? Anything positive? This is what my issue is with the marriage advice to couples that it’s okay to fight as long as you do it fairly. To me this is as useful as putting lipstick on a pig. It’s trying to dress up...
Bad Marriage Advice #2: Don’t Go to Bed Angry
On the surface this seems like a good idea. I mean, who can fall asleep when they are spun out about something. And, if you’re upset with your partner, lying next to them and trying to relax just throws gasoline on the fire already burning inside. It’s how this advice...
There are a couple of things you can do to keep the damage caused by a disconnection to a minimum as well as repair the disconnect when it does happen.
First, understand your response when you and your wife disagree. What belief or value is being touched by her disagreeing with you? What makes that important? What makes it personal? What meaning are you attaching to it? Whatever it is, you are taking the disagreement personally. And that’s guaranteed to cause problems.
Second, take ownership of your reaction and your behavior during the disagreement. If you can take a break before getting too hot, you will minimize any damage from your discussion.
Finally, learn to apologize and/or accept your wife’s apology. Responding to each other’s repair efforts is a critical component of keeping your marriage strong and healthy.
So the keys to remember are: 1) don’t escalate a disagreement into conflict; 2) own and manage your reaction and behavior; and 3) make and accept repair efforts.
You’ve got this, but if you don’t I’ve got you. If you have questions, I can help.
Around the Web This Week
Marriage is Actually 3 Different Relationships
You’re never supposed to modify the word unique, but when it comes to marriage, it truly is a unique relationship. It’s a combination of every other kind of relationship there is. And if you don’t understand all of the elements, and have a way of acknowledging each of them, your marriage will struggle more than it needs to. Dr. Assael Romanelli and Galit Romanelli define three of the most important relationships within a marriage and how you can support each one so your marriage will thrive.
