“Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” – William James
You and your wife are having a disagreement. Whether it turns into conflict is up to you. Your choice will impact your marriage.
Any two people will eventually disagree about something. The two of you are no different. But if you see a normal disagreement as conflict everything changes.
The word conflict provokes strong feelings in most of us. It is a word that has no positive connotation.
People generally have two responses to conflict. First, getting defensive and aggressive. Second, avoidance. Neither will resolve the initial disagreement. Both will damage your marriage.
If your natural tendency in highly charged situations is to fight, you will most likely take that approach in a conflict with your wife. Escalating the situation and creating a break in your relationship.
If your natural tendency is to flee, you will do everything you can to avoid dealing with the situation. Your wife will feel unheard and that she doesn’t matter. Again, creating a break in your relationship.
If this is the pattern you and your wife engage in every time there is a disagreement, your marriage will be in a state of disconnection way too often.
But seeing disagreements as opportunities to learn about each other and grow personally will benefit your marriage.
The trick is to keep these disagreements from escalating into conflict. While a disagreement can create a disconnect in your relationship, it is much easier to repair than if it ends up in escalation or avoidance.
And knowing how to repair a break in your relationship is a necessary skill if you want your marriage not just to survive but actually thrive.
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There are a couple of things you can do to keep the damage caused by a disconnection to a minimum as well as repair the disconnect when it does happen.
First, understand your response when you and your wife disagree. What belief or value is being touched by her disagreeing with you? What makes that important? What makes it personal? What meaning are you attaching to it? Whatever it is, you are taking the disagreement personally. And that’s guaranteed to cause problems.
Second, take ownership of your reaction and your behavior during the disagreement. If you can take a break before getting too hot, you will minimize any damage from your discussion.
Finally, learn to apologize and/or accept your wife’s apology. Responding to each other’s repair efforts is a critical component of keeping your marriage strong and healthy.
So the keys to remember are: 1) don’t escalate a disagreement into conflict; 2) own and manage your reaction and behavior; and 3) make and accept repair efforts.
You’ve got this, but if you don’t I’ve got you. If you have questions, I can help.
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