“We tell people what’s important by how we spend our time. Laura Vanderkam
As we head into the holiday season, I have a question. How much time are you setting aside for your marriage?
I was talking to a client the other day and he was explaining how he and his wife are too busy to spend time with each other. They both work full time jobs and have two children. At the end of each day, they are too exhausted to do more than give each other a quick kiss before falling into bed.
The good news is that they are falling into the same bed. The bad? They are on a trajectory for their marriage to fall apart.
I also called BS on their not having time to spend with each other. They are choosing not to.
It reminds me of a long-ago client who said, “My marriage is important, but…..”
Time is the great equalizer. No one gets more than 168 hours per week. No matter how old you are. How rich you are. How important you are. You get the same amount of time as everyone else.
And if your marriage is important to you, you will spend time on it.
If you’re not spending time with your wife, it’s because one or both of you are choosing to spend it somewhere else.
But Lesli, I hear you say, “what about the kids?” What about them?
Are you hiding something if you don’t fight?
Many marriage professionals encourage couples to fight. They say that if you're not fighting, one of you is being less than honest. I say HOOEY!!" Watch the Entire Bad Marriage Advice Series on YouTube
The Problem with Fighting Fair
You're told that all couples fight and the best thing to do is to learn to fight "fair". I call BS on that. Disagreement is a given but fighting is a choice and it's hard to put a positive spin on the word "fight" Watch the Entire Bad Marriage Advice Series on ...
Why “Don’t Go to Bed Angry” is Bad Marriage Advice
While it sounds good AND it is hard to go to sleep when you're upset, continuing a contentious conversation into the wee hours is not good for your marriage. Watch the Entire Bad Marriage Advice Series on YouTube
Yes, they require time. Especially when they are young. But I can guarantee that all of your time isn’t going to them. And if it is, you are shortchanging them on what they really need—the solid foundation of your marriage.
They need the two of you to spend time together as a married couple, not just as Mom and Dad. Yes, they won’t like it in the moment. But it’s your job to determine what is good for them and being the center of your attention isn’t it.
I speak from experience of limiting what we did with and for our two children. They got plenty. Just not all. They are now grown, well-functioning adults who understand and appreciate the boundaries my husband and I put around our marriage.
I guarantee that you have at least 20 minutes a day to spend with each other as a couple. Unless you are working several jobs to put a roof over your head and food on the table. Otherwise, you are prioritizing other things over each other.
I challenge you to keep a time diary for the next week. Where are you spending your 168 hours? Where is your wife spending hers?
How much of your discretionary time is going to social media, binge watching shows, mindlessly surfing the web? Probably a lot more than either of you realize.
Yes, it’s critical to spend time on self-care and child rearing. It’s also critical to spend time with each other.
How much of a priority can either of you feel like if you can’t even commit to spending 20 minutes of uninterrupted time with each other daily?
You’ve got this. And if you don’t, I’ve got you. Hit reply and let me know where your time leaks are.
Around the Web This Week
Making Time For Your Marriage Matters
Is “Busy” your answer to the question, “How are you?” For a lot of us, that seems to be the standard response. Not only does it seem to be the new normal, it seems to be the new status symbol. But accepting this as a daily practice has its costs, especially to your marriage.
If you rate your marriage as fine or okay, you may be putting it on the back burner while you are “busy” with everything else you need to get done. But nothing thrives on neglect and your marriage will eventually suffer too. Dustin Riechmann, author of The 15 Minute Marriage Makeover and the creator of EngagedMarriage.com, joins the show for a lively discussion on how you can take back your marriage.
